Posts Tagged: microsoft

hp / observatory / tablets — No Comments
23
Aug 11

HP Personal Sys Grp 4 Sale: Call Léo

It’s those damn phone hackers again. This time they’re listening in on Léo Apotheker’s conversations at HP. I can’t condone the hackers’ methods, but I thought this transcript would be of interest to my readers.

——————————————————–

8.22.2011 | 9:48 am | HP | Apotheker Office Line 2

JACK
Hello, is this Léo?

LÉO
Yes, who is this please?

JACK
Hi Léo, my name is Jack.
I’m calling about the Personal Systems Group for sale?

LÉO
Yes, hello Jack. How can I help you?

JACK
Well, can you tell me a little more about it?

LÉO
Anything in particular?

JACK
Does it come with all the accessories? Like confusing
models and configurations, mediocre designers, invisible
profit margins, crapware and infuriating tech support?

LÉO
Yes, it comes with all the essentials.

JACK
And you’ve sold your soul to Intel and Microsoft?

LÉO
Correct, and those contracts will be included as well.
They’re fully transferable.

JACK
Perfect. Well look, I’m very interested.
Are you flexible on price?

LÉO
I’m sorry, no. It’s just supply and demand.
Right now, we’re the only PC group for sale —
at least until Michael Dell accepts reality.

JACK
Alright, but listen, I’m also interested in tablets
and smartphones. Anything like that available?

LÉO
I do have tablets and smartphones, but they’re not for sale.

JACK
Just my luck. I was bidding for Palm a year ago and
some ass swooped in and bid $1.2 billion for it.

LÉO
Uh … that was my company.

JACK
Oh god, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call you an ass.

LÉO
No prob, it wasn’t me. It was the guy who had my job before.

JACK
Okay, I get it. So you’re going to keep selling WebOS tablets
and smartphones then?

LÉO
Actually, not. We’re going to caravan out to the Palo Alto
landfill and dump all the code and unsold devices.

JACK
Wouldn’t it be easier just to sell it all to me?

LÉO
No, I need to prove that my predecessor wasted a billion dollars.
If I sell it to you, we wouldn’t lose nearly as much.

JACK
(Dramatic pause)
Ass.

advertising / creative / microsoft / observatory — 5 Comments
4
Aug 11

Microsoft’s “PCs for Dummies” campaign

Oh, you devilish marketers at Microsoft. I see the game you play.

You zig when other companies zag. They try to win by making customers feel smarter — but you’re going to win by treating them like idiots. Clever!

Back in May, I put up an article poking fun at what was then the newest Microsoft ad. It featured a rather dim customer whose home is turned into a PC store, exposing her to today’s amazing choices in PCs. Her big discovery: “So there’s no more tower? Wow!”

It was such a shallow spot, I never really imagined it would blossom into a whole campaign. But since then, a number of these things have popped up, each featuring someone you’d never want to be, learning something you don’t need to learn: new PCs are better than old ones.

I’m stirred to action only because this new one seems to be getting a lot of air play of late.

In this ad, we meet Cheryl, apparently the victim of a break-in. A gang has built a PC store in her home without her permission. (Unlike the original  spot, there’s no spouse in on the surprise here — it’s just a home invasion.) Cheryl too is a bit on the dim side: “Where’s the tower for this?” she asks. Heh heh. That one never gets old.

Where I come from, agency people get into fights about these things. Some believe it’s important to do a smart ad vs. one that appeals to the lowest common denominator. They believe in building brands vs. going after the low-hanging fruit.

Unfortunately, when you aim for fruit that’s hanging this low, you look pretty silly to customers who are a heck of a lot smarter. Which is probably 98% of them.

To see more people you can’t relate to, view more ads in this campaign here and here.

android / apple / blackberry / iPad / iPhone / iPod / observatory / tablets / windows phone 7 — 9 Comments
14
Jul 11

Cult epidemic breaks out in tech industry

As you know, Apple fans lost touch decades ago.

They’re a cult — hypnotized sheep, blindly following their savior Steve Jobs. They line up to fork over their cash for overpriced devices, unfazed by the fact that Apple only wants to control them. By the tens of millions, they surrender their free will, buying technology no one could really like. One day they’ll wake up and see how foolish they’ve been.

But we live in a competitive world. New and even more deluded cults are springing up all around us. Even the smart people are being sucked into them — behaving in ways that defy explanation.

Just two days ago, 700 members of the RIM cult held a meeting. These people have already exhibited irrational behavior by actually purchasing RIM stock. Inexplicably, they applauded the company’s leadership, even though RIM’s earnings are rapidly plummeting as their once-invincible empire continues to crumble. Then people who should know better started voicing strange opinions — like the investment executive who said that he didn’t hear anything that gave him concerns about the company’s direction. His firm was sitting on 100,000 of those steadily declining shares.

Meanwhile, the PC cult was meeting over at Microsoft, at the Worldwide Partners Conference. Here, Steve Ballmer held up the divine numbers, showing 350 million Windows licenses in the past year vs. 20 million for the other guys. “350, the last time I checked, is a lot more than 20,” said Ballmer to the delight of his followers. Yet nobody took note of the fact that PC sales continue to slide, and Microsoft remains far, far behind in phones and tablets.

Then, right on cue, the High Lord of Windows Phone 7 rose to proclaim that Microsoft will never use a mobile OS to power a tablet, because what people really want in a tablet is PC power. It’s Windows all the way. The crowd applauded, seemingly unconcerned that over 25 million people have fallen in love with their puny, un-PC iPads, or that netbook shipments have basically collapsed due to iPad’s runaway sales. Love of PC is core to this crowd, and they’ll cling to it till their last dying breath.

Being the easily led Apple type of cult follower, I’m tempted to join up with one of these other cults. Their kind of irrational thinking appeals to me. I’ll contemplate this more when I return from my daily Apple Store visit.

microsoft / tablets / technology / windows phone 7 — 10 Comments
26
May 11

Ballmer: making the wrong kind of mistakes

Yes, you

I have a new theory about Steve Ballmer.

Maybe earlier in his life, or in a previous life, he did such wonderful things, he earned himself a guardian angel.

Really, how else does one explain how a man can remain employed through one planet-sized bungle to the next?

Many companies make mistakes in the pursuit of greatness. Apple makes some doozies.

But Microsoft, under Ballmer, consistently makes the kind of mistakes that can easily turn the company into the type of case study you don’t want to be: the “rise and fall” type.

I don’t pretend to understand the dynamics inside Microsoft. However, this is business. Very big business. No amount of loyalty, favoritism, appreciation or whatever can possibly rationalize the company’s poor showing since Ballmer assumed office.

How Microsoft, formerly the most valuable and profitable technology company on earth (“formerly,” thanks to Ballmer), with virtually limitless resources, could fall into its current state is almost impossible to comprehend.

After failing miserably with Vista, Ballmer has completely missed the two biggest technology revolutions in recent times: smartphones and tablets. And let’s not even talk about the $8.5 billion he just sunk into Skype.

The smartphone failure alone should have earned him his gold watch. It took Microsoft three years to come up with a viable alternative to iPhone. Even then, “viable” is probably being generous. Now, after Android, Microsoft must fight to be a distant third.

His public statements have become laughable, from predicting that iPhone can’t possibly succeed to passionately defending the PC as other technologies make it less relevant.

This week, Ballmer’s theater of the absurd redefined absurdity. First he blurted out that their newest OS, to be called Windows 8, will be released in 2012. Shortly thereafter, a Microsoft “spokesperson” issued a clarification: “It appears there was a misstatement.” Turns out, there is no timetable yet for the new OS, and there is no confirmation of its name.

Honestly, can you imagine this kind of screwup taking place at any other company?

It’s not like there isn’t a growing chorus of calls for Ballmer’s retirement. The latest came yesterday from the president of Greenlight Capital, David Einhorn. He describes the Microsoft CEO as being “stuck in the past.”

The good news for Microsoft is that Ballmer doesn’t have to be stuck in its present. It’s not all that hard to send a CEO packing.

Though I have no current fondness for Microsoft, I’ve often wondered how things might change if they actually had a visionary CEO. I imagine Microsoft’s stockholders have been wondering the same thing.

advertising / microsoft / observatory — 8 Comments
12
May 11

Microsoft perplexes again

Many years ago, I was actually a fan of Microsoft.

There, I’ve said it. I’ve been holding it in all this time. I feel much better now.

Yes, as a writer who loves technology, I used to anxiously await each new release of Microsoft Word for Mac. I enjoyed exploring the labyrinth of buttons and menus. The more, the merrier. I couldn’t give Microsoft my money fast enough.

But it gets even worse: I was a stockholder too. I rooted for them to succeed.

So it’s not like I slam Microsoft out of some genetic hatred. I do it because I find them absolutely perplexing. I like smart companies — and Microsoft, once a symbol of smarts, now so often plays the fool.

I wonder how a company with practically limitless resources can go MIA when revolutionary changes are afoot. I wonder how a CEO can keep his job when all those lapses take place under his watch. I also wonder what they’re thinking when they approve many of their ads — the latest example being the one above.

It appears to be an encore performance of their I’m a PC campaign, which was a timid comeback to Apple’s Mac vs. PC campaign. Where I come from, encores happen when enthusiastic audiences demand more. This campaign’s end was met more with relief than disappointment.

More perplexing, though, is the content of this ad. It’s hard to believe that creative directors, strategists and finally, the brain trust at Microsoft, would ever approve such a silly “let’s build a PC store in your house” idea.

The coup de grâce comes when our hero experiences her grand revelation: “So there is no tower anymore? Wow!”

Yikes. Who’s going to break it to her that we now have smartphones and microwave ovens? Way to make your customers look smart, Microsoft.

Then again, maybe this explains why Microsoft was so willing to overpay ($8.5 billion) for Skype this week. “We can actually make audio and video calls on our computers? Wow!”

advertising / creative / microsoft / observatory / windows phone 7 — 3 Comments
14
Apr 11

Windows 7 Channel: visit to a ghost town

Call me a renegade, but sometimes I like to sit down at the computer and visit places where few dare to venture.

Yesterday, I followed a link to the Windows 7 YouTube Channel. I didn’t see tumbleweeds blowing through or vultures gathering in the sky — but I didn’t see much evidence of life either.

The number of views on the videos there seemed almost absurdly small. Especially for a monolith owning 90% of the global PC category. 4,000 here, 20,000 there. Heck, a kid in my neighborhood got more than 300,000 views for his Bar Mitzvah video.

The lack of traffic here seemed puzzling until I started looking at the videos. Let’s just say they’re not exactly show-stoppers. Hard to imagine any of them going viral.

The ad that follows, You spoke, we listened, is for Windows 7 Pro. It’s been up since March 22nd, having gathered only 10,000 views. The “we did it because you asked for it” approach is as old as the hills, and entices viewers accordingly.

The biggest crowd-pleaser seems to be the next one, but it’s only drawn about 30,000 in a month. (Technically, it’s an Asus ad subsidized by Microsoft.) It seems to have generated about as much excitement as the idea of Windows 7 powering a tablet.

After that, things really go downhill. Behind the Design of Windows Phone 7 has attracted 3,800 views in two months.

Another Windows 7 Pro video, What do you want from your PC? — one of the most mediocre videos I’ve endured in some time — has 2,900 views in a full year. You’d think they’d do a little cleanup around here once in a while.

Dig deep enough in the dust and you can find a few videos with decent numbers. An ad unveiled at a Microsoft developers conference has about 172,000 views, but then it too has been mellowing for a year. (Side note: this ad depicts a series of people, all staring at their phones to do their thing — even though last year’s Windows 7 Phone campaign ridiculed people who were glued to their phones.)

How does this compare to the action over at the Apple Channel?

There’s a long list of videos well up in the hundreds of thousands, and one over a million. Only down at the bottom of their list, when they get into app-specific videos, do the numbers even begin to resemble Microsoft’s.

Of course, it isn’t exactly a shocker that videos about Windows 7 would generate less interest than those about Apple’s i-things. And that’s Microsoft’s problem.

Until they start making products that capture people’s imagination, or start making ads that do the same, the Window 7 Channel will remain a very lonely place.

iPod / microsoft / music / observatory — 6 Comments
15
Mar 11

A brief eulogy for Zune

Dear friends, neighbors and colleagues,

We gather here today to remember the life of Zune,

A life that touched more people than you can count on one hand.

Zune’s journey was short by most measures.

It was lonely by all measures.

But no one will deny that Zune stood for something.

It dared to be different.

Zune proved that you don’t need legions of fans to feel like a success.

You can do just fine on annual cash infusions from a very rich dad.

Zune didn’t need a clever interface, a giant music store, or even a good review.

Zune was a rebel. The anti-Pod. Born on the wrong side of the bell curve.

If iPods were blue and green and pink, then by god — Zune would dare to be brown.

When iPod spoke in dollars, Zune would speak in Microsoft Points.

While iPods were solitary affairs, Zune once offered a neighborly “squirt.”

Thrown to the lions, Zune would grow up remarkably fast.

In fact, before it was even a year old, it was wheezing like an octogenarian.

No matter how badly Zune was humiliated in market share, Dad would always say, “we can beat them.”

Then, one day, even that bottomless wallet would run dry.

Despite his endlessly encouraging words, Dad was forced to pull the plug,

And Zune’s body was left to wither.

But now, before the last charge has even run out, we learn that the spirit of Zune may yet live —

In Windows Phones and tablets that we can only dream about today.

Yes, one day, when Microsoft is back on top,

When long lines of customers form around Microsoft Stores the world over,

The crowds clamoring for a taste of that Microsoft magic,

Someone, somewhere will conjure up a home screen,

Touch a button,

And maybe,

Just maybe,

Zune will live to squirt again.

microsoft / observatory / tablets — 19 Comments
27
Jan 11

Apple’s final humiliation of Microsoft

Given the latest financial reports, it defies belief that just 13 years ago Apple was wheezing on its deathbed.

Even  harder to believe, Steve Jobs was forced to grovel before Bill Gates to keep Apple viable with a $150 million investment and a public pledge to support Office for Mac for five years.

How different are things today? Well, as we all know, last year Apple surpassed Microsoft to become the most valuable technology company on earth.

Some shrugged that off because, market value aside, Microsoft still made far more profit than Apple. The profit margins in the software biz are much higher. In fact, Microsoft has trounced Apple in the profit department for 20 consecutive years.

Don’t count on 21.

According to Reuters, Apple is about to deliver the final blow. Microsoft is expected to announce a $5.93 billion profit for the last quarter — while Apple has already announced its $6 billion profit for the same quarter. (Correction 4:00 pm 1/27: Reuters’ analysts missed. Microsoft hit $6.63 billion in profits. For now, still the leader. For how many more quarters, your guess.)

But it gets juicier.

Philip Elmer-Dewitt writes for Fortune that while several research firms reported fairly poor numbers for PCs last quarter, a firm called Canalys saw a whopping 19% growth in PCs during this time. That’s because they counted tablets as PCs — and iPads sold by the millions.

By including iPad sales, Canalys shows Apple’s PC sales growing an astounding 241% over last year. This pushes them into the #3 spot worldwide, ahead of Dell and Lenovo, second only to HP and Acer.

Hold it right there, you say. Tablets are not PCs. That’s just twisting the numbers to make Apple look better. And yes, many would agree. (Just read the comments below the Elmer-Dewitt article.)

Your honor, I call Steve Ballmer to the witness stand. Here’s what Ballmer said when interviewed by Walt Mossberg at the All Things Digital conference last June. Skip to the 3:26 mark to see this exchange:

Mossberg: …this is semantics maybe, but, you’re using the term PC — I thought I just heard you use the term PC — to kind of envelop the things that I think a lot of average people don’t think of as PCs, like the iPad, or other tablets that might be coming. Is that kind of thing a PC?

Ballmer: Sure, of course it is.

Mossberg: It is.

Ballmer: Of course it is. It’s a different form factor of PC.

While it hurts to be on the same side of an argument as Steve Ballmer, I agree. Ballmer’s comments validate the Canalys numbers. With Apple now at 10.8% of the worldwide PC shipments, they’re a stone’s throw behind Acer’s 12.8%. And not imaginably far behind HP’s 17.7%.

This is shaping up to be an interesting decade.

app store / microsoft / observatory / strategy — 13 Comments
14
Jan 11

Microsoft: coveting Apple’s magic words

Every so often, there comes a bit of technology-related news that just makes me smile. Microsoft is pretty good at generating such stories.

The latest: Microsoft has taken action to oppose Apple’s trademark application for the phrase “App Store.”

It’s not hard to understand their logic. These days, apps rule the world. They’re the basic price of admission for any smartphone contender. How can Apple own a phrase made of common words?

The quick answer is: those words weren’t common until Apple started to use them.

The evolution of the word “app” is actually a pet topic of mine. Since Microsoft has struck my justice nerve, I can’t stop myself from sharing.

Everyone who has ever been tasked with writing ads for a technology company will tell you that before apps became popular, there was no simple word one could use to describe a software product. In fact, we had only two words to choose from: application and program. If your goal was to write people-friendly ads, both of these choices sucked.

The word app was indeed part of our vocabulary — but that was only on the inside. Real people didn’t talk that way. Whenever some maverick would suggest that we just say app and be done with it, clients would reject it on the grounds that it was too techy. For the sake of advertising, application and program were left to do the job.

What Apple did when they introduced apps on iPhone may seem innocuous now, but it was actually quite ballsy. They made the conscious decision to take the word app to the mass audience. Others might have used the word on occasion, but Apple was the company that really stepped up to the plate. They put millions of dollars into the “There’s an app for that” campaign. They alone made app a household word.

With App Store taken by Apple, Apps Marketplace taken by Google, and App World taken by Blackberry, poor Microsoft finds itself in an awkward (yet familiar) position. They can either try to be original, or spend a few million bucks to echo someone else.

It does make one wonder why Microsoft isn’t trying to wrestle the other companies’ descriptors away from them. Isn’t the world as common as the word store?

The fact is, companies trademark combinations of common words all the time. When you’re first to think of something, you take legal precautions to prevent others from copying you. The Money Store is trademarked, as are countless other common word combinations.

If Microsoft wanted to be more true to their DNA, they might grab The Copier Store. That one was actually trademarked by some guy in New Jersey, but it’s available now.

advertising / microsoft / observatory / windows phone 7 — 6 Comments
19
Nov 10

The Microsoft festival of comedy

The comedy writers at Microsoft have really been working overtime this week. There is much to be delighted with.

First, we have Microsoft’s entry into the zombie genre with the Return of the Kins. Yes, the very same Microsoft phones that died before the packaging was even dry, just 60 days after launch. The Kin One and Kin Two phones are back, courtesy of Verizon. They have curious new names (Kin One-m and Kin Two-m), fewer capabilities and they’re now billed as feature phones instead of smartphones. That oughtta work.

Laugh #2 comes from the video above. To be honest, I did not believe this was real when I first saw it. Not even Microsoft could be this inept. But lo and behold, there it is proudly playing on their official YouTube page.

Obviously this spot isn’t meant for broadcast — but that doesn’t make it any less of a criminal act. It’s one of those ads that leaves you aghast that so many people in the approval chain could possibly give it the thumbs-up. Not just because it has all the class of a Pee Wee Herman production, but because its strategy is so misguided.

The big advantage of Windows laptops? They can play Blu-ray discs. Like (a) you’ll really appreciate Blu-ray on 15-inch screen, and (b) you’d rather carry discs around than just download high-def movies onto your Mac.

More stunning than Microsoft’s strategy are some of the comments I’ve seen where this ad is posted. Some commenters believe Microsoft is “really fighting back now” after Apple beat them up for several years with the Mac vs. PC campaign. Must be a fine line between fighting back and total surrender.

Add to this the fact that Microsoft’s own chief XBox man in the U.K. recently said “actually Blu-ray is going to be passed by as a format.” Hopefully word will get to Microsoft’s marketing department soon.

The last laugh comes from Bellevue, WA, where a mega-Microsoft Store opened to a large and raucous crowd, complete with an appearance by Steve Ballmer. Not wanting to mess with success, Microsoft used its well-proven method of manufacturing large and raucous crowds — they offered free Miley Cyrus concert tickets. Guess those Blu-ray-enabled laptops weren’t quite big enough a draw.

See the festive opening video here. And don’t miss the 2:30 mark where Steve Ballmer actually does his famous tongue-sticking-out act as he welcomes an eager customer. Scary!

Anyway, good work Microsoft. If the whole technology thing doesn’t work out, at least you have a future in entertainment.

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